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Yoga Yoga Yoga – Ow Ow Ow

September 28, 2013

I’ve just been to yoga.  I’m not very good.  It started with a pose called The Tree.  This is what it’s supposed to look like:

yoga-tree-pose-3202249-o

I found him on the internet.  Isn’t he doing well!  And he’s got a natty hat.  What a winner! [photo credit: SuperFantastic]

And, somewhere not at all far from the vicinity of my yoga mat, this is how it turned out…

creek_falls_rapids_692151_o

I think you’ll find that’s a pretty much text book yoga pose called “Lie Like Dead Tree”.  I’m just ahead of my time…  [photo credit dgodin]

It’s not your usual everyday type of yoga. It’s called Yoga Burn.  At first I thought the name derived from the fact that she makes us do it with the air conditioning turned off (which is against my human rights and is, quite frankly, just unpleasant).  Actually it’s supposed to be because it makes your muscles burn when you hold the poses.  There’s quite an assumption there.  My muscles are, so far, unburnt.

I start off ok with instructions like “get onto all fours”.  At this point I’m feeling confident – cocky even.  All fours – it’s in the bag.  I’m a perfect little yogi.  Well done me.

And then she ramps it up.  By the time she’s finished everyone else in the class is balancing on one toe nail with their foot behind their ear and both arms in a perfect half-hitch.  I’m still on all fours.

My favourite part is the bit at the end where you get to relax. That whole minute of lying on the floor pretending your muscles are melting is just bliss, or it would have been if the hall we had the class in wasn’t in Pakistan.

*Lies down on mat.  Shifts about a bit.  Debates taking hair out of pony tail to allow full body relaxation.  Can’t be bothered to take bobble out.  Closes eyes.  Starts to drift…

WE ARE NOW GOING TO TEST THE ALARM SYSTEMS!  (REPEATS IN URDU)

THIS IS AN INTRUDER ALERT! (REPEATS IN URDU) WOOOWOOOWOOOWOOOWOOO  

THIS IS A BOMB ALERT!  (REPEATS IN URDU) WAAAAAH  WAAAAAH  WAAAAAH WAAAAAH

THIS IS A FIRE ALERT!  (REPEATS IN URDU)  NEEEOOOOW  NEEOOOOW   NEEEOOOOW

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING (we didn’t have a choice) (REPEATS IN URDU) 

WE HAVE NOW FINISHED TESTING THE ALARM SYSTEMS (REPEATS IN URDU)

*I start to giggle. I can’t help it.  It’s really quite funny.  No one else finds it funny.

I feel I might have to start looking for another exercise alternative….

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2 Comments
  1. Sara permalink

    Me too…kickboxing is much more my style!

    Like

  2. iotamanhattan permalink

    This hit a nerve.

    When we lived in the US, I regularly went to yoga, and it was usually pretty relaxing. Soft music, various stretchy-type things to do to bits of your body, and then the lying down at the end. I always felt lots better afterwards. I didn’t always have the same instructor, but it usually felt the same and followed the same format.

    When I tried it here, at our local health club, I got a bit of a shock. It was all so… serious. Like your muscles were meant to, you know, work hard, or something. No music. Just lots of raspy deep breathing. I’ve tried three different instructors, and they’re all the same. You have to use blocks, and straps, and chairs. I just want to lie on my back and draw ankle circles in the air to twangy music.

    I’ve resorted to putting on a youtube video and doing a bit of stretching in the comfort of my own study – but I’m never going to keep that up, am I?

    I wonder if I google “American-style yoga”, I might find what I’m looking for.

    Like

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